The Crocodile and The Swordfish
by The Evil Umpa Lumpas
Summary: ...and the Enchanted Hob Nob. As Crocodile and Swordfish begin the first year of Hogwarts as the first and only Animalusheadius to be accepted, the Jaffa Cake Man's evil is silently spreading... (We don't own Harry Potter!) Please R&R Chap 3 up!
1. To Hogwarts

**The Crocodile, The Swordfish & the Enchanted Hob Nob**

**By DevilShoes and I-h8-sclub**

Chapter One : To Hogwarts

'It could be worse,' Swordfish said with false merriment. There was even a slight tremble in the voice. Brought back to earth from his day dreams, Crocodile raised his eyebrows and looked at his best friend. '_How_ could it be worse?'

Crocodile and Swordfish were sat alone in a compartment of the Hogwarts express. The rhythmic chug of the train was soothing, but not soothing enough to calm either of their nerves. The two had been best friends since as long as either could remember. They were now both eleven years old and were on their way to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

True, all first years were nervous, but Crocodile and Swordfish were, well, _different _to say the least. For they were a rare breed of beings. They were Animalusheadius. It didn't affect who they were as people but it did affect their appearance, for, as their names would suggest, Crocodile had the head of a Crocodile and Swordfish had the head of a Swordfish, and they were the first and only two of their species to be accepted into Hogwarts.

Animalusheadius were magical beings but had not before been known to be accepted as wizards. No one really knew why. In fact, not many knew the true descent of where Animalusheadius' came from. Many believe they fell from the sky, many believe they popped out of the ground and many didn't really care at all. The fact not many know of their descent could be the cause of the discrimination they suffer or why many wizards and witches fear them, believing them to be capable of turning their children into Animalusheadius.

Their true descent dates back a little over a century and a half when a wizard, Ivan Humes, simply woke up one morning to find himself with the head of a tiger. Many believed it to be a curse, but none could find the counter curse and for many years wizards searched high and low to fathom the answer to why this had happened.

About five years later, the wizard fathered his first child, a daughter, born with the head of an eagle. This even sent the wizarding world into uproar once again as many attempted to explain why this had happened. How it _could _have happened. No one could say. Within the month of June in 1843, every child born to wizarding parents was born an Animalusheadius. And within that month, the wizarding world was thrown into chaos. Parents demanded to know why their children had come out like _that._ Many believed that Ivan Humes and his daughter had something to do with it, and wizards took to the street believing that the death of Ivan Humes would bring about the end of what they believed to be an act against God.

On July the 1st, 1843, Ivan Humes' daughter was murdered at just a month old. After that, the stories in the papers disappeared and the reign of madness ended, as the wizarding world attempted to erase the shame of that night. The truth was hidden, and rarely spoken of again.

As the generations passed, each Animalusheadius gave birth to another Animalusheadius and the 'breed' began to grow.

This continued whilst the wizarding world 'looked the other way' until one man, Solitaire Rhubarb, changed their lives forever.

His fascination with Animalusheadius grew and grew with each passing year, he was intrigued by them and believed them to be the 'evolution' of the wizarding species. He studied them, causing controversy and uproar wherever he went.

One winter's eve, his obsession got out of control and he decided to 'build' himself an Animalusheadius of his own, to talk to, to befriend, to _understand._ He took merely his wand and created a monster. He created The Jaffa Cake Man. The first 'produced' Animalusheadius. Believing his new creation to be nothing more than one of the creatures that fascinated him, Solitaire was unaware of the power the Jaffa Cake Man held. For every wizard knew that the mysterious orange goo inside Jaffa Cakes held mysterious powers beyond human comprehension and by giving that goo a body, a wand and a _mind_, he had created the most evil thing known to man.

Shortly after, Solitaire was found mysteriously murdered, his secret creation missing. For her had told no one about his 'project' as he really had no one to tell and know it was out on the loose.

The Jaffa Cake Man had powers no wizard could dream of an intelligence to unlock the secrets of the earth, but, for some reason, was not accepted. Not by wizards, muggles or even his fellow Animalusheadius, and so, complicated soul that he was, he used to his magic to try to _make_ other Animalusheadius' accept him. Through fear, through... more fear, the Jaffa Cake Man spawned a reign of terror, gaining followers as well as powerful enemies, until one day, when he challenged a man who should not have been challenged. A man shook the shackles of fear and stood brave and courageous to face a mutated monster than had taken his family. The man died, but still, life goes on.

I mean, The Jaffa Cake Man feared a mutiny was on the horizon and went into hiding, to this day his present whereabouts are unknown, but all Animalusheadius' alike know that his is not dead or gone.

After the Jaffa Cake Man's run into hiding, the Animalusheadius soon grouped together to form a sort of Super Neighbourhood Watch, a resistant force, made of strong fighters, both physically and mentally who would stand strong against The Jaffa Cake Man, should he ever return. And that force was named The Enchanted Hob Nob, for every Animalusheadius knew hob nobs were the only biscuit's the Jaffa Cake Man feared.

This resistance is still alive today, unknown by wizards, witches and muggles alike. And two of it's every members where now sat in a compartment of the Hogwarts Express.

'To repeat what I said a moment ago, _how_ could it be worse?' Crocodile asked accusingly.

'Well...' Swordfish said, squirmy uncomfortably in his seat at the thought of having to answer a question brought about by a simple saying to lighten the mood. 'We could have to eat Marmite!' Swordfish said triumphantly, a huge grin growing over his face.

Crocodile laughed. 'You know, Swordfish?'

'What, Crocodile?' He asked, in a very Huckleberry-Finn-manner.

'Going to Hogwarts,' Crocodile began, 'I'm glad I'm going with you.'

They thought about this for a while, both sharing a tremendously anxious smile. After about a minute of comfortable silence, Swordfish gasped suddenly, and exclaimed, his eyes wide, 'You don't reckon they'll have Maths lessons there, do you?' His face now showing horrifyingly terrified expression. Crocodile laughed and soon the boys compartment was alive with active conversation about school, Hogwarts, wizards, spell and pretty much anything that came into their heads. As the time seemed to race along at a speed to rival that of their train, they were unaware that a mere four compartments away sat Harry Potter on his first ride on the Hogwarts Express...


	2. The Sorting

**The Crocodile, The Swordfish & the Enchanted Hob Nob**

**By DevilShoes and I-h8-sclub **

**Disclaimer- **We own nothing except for the Crocodile and the Swordfish. And quite a bit of this chapter was borrowed from The Philosopher's Stone.

**AN- **This is chapter 2 and it's by I-h8-sclub.

* * *

Chapter 2- The Sorting Hat 

The immense castle mesmerised them as they travelled across the lake in the self-rowing boats.

"I can't believe how big it is!" Exclaimed Swordfish. "How are we ever going to find our way around?"

"I honestly don't know." Crocodile replied.

They didn't talk for a while, both wanting to come to terms with the castle's size and beauty in their own way. The Castle wasn't the only thing that the two friends were trying to grow used to. Already they'd had many funny looks thrown their way, and they had only encountered the other first years. No one had approached their boat when the giant bearded man had told them that they must share. A bushy haired girl had glanced their way before noticing a spare place next to three other boys. Two of which didn't seem pleased with her decision.

Suddenly, the boats stopped. They all clambered out and waited as the big man hammered on the castle entrance. The door swung open and they were faced with a tall woman wearing emerald green robes.

"The firs'-years, Professor McGonagall." So that was her name. Crocodile made a mental note to remember that. He knew that this woman would not accept any idiotic behaviour.

"Thank you, Hagrid. I will take them from here." They all followed her into the vast entrance hall; Crocodile and swordfish brought up the rear. Everyone listened intently as Professor McGonagall started talking. She explained all about the different houses of Hogwarts. She then told them to wait quietly until she returned.

Crocodile and Swordfish turned to each other. Swordfish accidentally pinning a tall girl to the wall with his sword in the process. After apologising profoundly, he turned back to his friend.

"Crocodile," he began.

"Yes Swordfish?" Crocodile answered.

"What if we're not in the same house?" Crocodile looked worried for a second before reassuring Swordfish.

"I don't know." He answered. "But we'll still be best friends." Swordfish smiled and pulled his comrade into a hug.

They didn't seem to be able to hear the screams from the other students who had just noticed the ghosts gliding through the walls.

They became aware of everything again when the sound of McGonagall's drifted over to them.

"The Sorting Ceremony's about to start." She made them form a line, Crocodile and Swordfish once again at the rear. They made their way through the double doors that led to the Great Hall.

They had thought that the castle as a whole was amazing, but that was nothing compared to the magnificence of the Great Hall. Thousands of floating candles hovered over four equally long tables. The tables were set with sparkling plates and goblets, all ready for the welcoming feast. There was a head table at the end of the hall where Crocodile and Swordfish could see so many adults. They presumed it was the staff table. Nearly all of the first years were silent, most probably because they were nervous, but one wasn't. The bushy haired girl from earlier was commenting on the ceiling of the hall.

"It's bewitched to look like the sky outside, I read about it in _Hogwarts, a History_."

The two Animalusheadius' were brought out of their thoughts as they witnessed Professor McGonagall place a tattered and grimy Wizard's hat on a stool in font of the first years. The rest of the school seemed to be staring at the hat.

Much to Crocodile and Swordfish's amazement and amusement, the hat burst into song:

'_You can keep your bowlers black, _

_You top hats sleek and tall, _

_For I'm the Hogwarts Sorting Hat_

_And I can cap them all. _

_There's nothing hidden in your head _

_The Sorting Hat can't see, _

_So try me on and I will tell you _

_Where you ought to be. _

_You might belong in Gryffindor, _

_Where dwell the brave of heart, _

_Their daring, nerve and chivalry _

_Set Gryffindors apart; _

_You might belong in Hufflepuff, _

_Where they are just and loyal, _

_Those patient Hufflepuffs are true _

_And unafraid of toil; _

_Or yet in wise old Ravenclaw _

_If you've a ready mind, _

_Where those of wit and learning, _

_Will always find their kind; _

_Or perhaps in in Slytherin _

_You'll make your real friends, _

_Those cunning folk use any means_

_To achieve their ends. _

_So put me on! Don't be afraid! _

_And don't get in a flap! _

_You're in safe hands (though I have none) _

_For I'm a Thinking Cap!" _

As soon as the hat stopped singing, every single person burst in to applause. Crocodile and Swordfish looked at each other, both thinking the same thing.

"What if the hat won't fit on my head?" Before a chance to reply came about, Professor McGonagall had stepped out in front of the stool, and was now rolling out a long piece of parchment.

"When I call your name, you will put on the hat and sit on the stool to be sorted," she said. "Abbot, Hannah!" A small girl with blonde pigtails ran over to the stool and placed the hat on her head. After a second or two, the hat shouted,

"Hufflepuff!"

The right hand table cheered as the girl skipped over to them.

"Bones, Susan!"

"Hufflepuff!" Came the cry of the hat, and Susan walked over to sit with Hannah.

"Boot, Terry!"

"Ravenclaw!" The table second from the left cheered this time and Terry was greeted most enthusiastically.

'Brocklehurst, Mandy' also got sorted into Ravenclaw, but 'Brown, Lavender' became the first new Gryffindor and the table on the far left exploded with applause. Crocodile became more and more nervous as his sorting grew closer.

'Bulstrode, Millicent' then became the first Slytherin.

Crocodile felt extremely nauseous now. He was on the verge of turning around and running from the hall when,

"Crocodile!" He took a deep breath and stepped forward. He could feel every pair of eyes on him. He glanced back at Swordfish who gave him an encouraging smile. When he got close to the stool, he picked up the hat and placed it on the top of his head. They were right, it didn't fit, so it just had to balance on his head.

"Ahh! An Animalusheadius! Haven't met one of you before." Said a small voice in Crocodile's...well, it was actually quite a way from Crocodile's ear but you get the picture.

"Hmm. Where to put you. Not Slytherin. They'll eat you alive. Though I suppose they'd be more worried about you doing that. Ravenclaw? No offence, but you really don't have the intelligence for Ravenclaw." 'Oh cheers!' Crocodile thought. "Hey," replied the voice, "I said no offence." A sigh escaped the young Animalusheadius' lips. "Gryffindor? Everyone else seems to get put there don't they? No, I'll put you in Ms Hufflepuff's house. Hufflepuff!" The last word was shouted.

The hall was silent. Nobody clapped. Crocodile was extremely embarrassed. To the extent that the scaly green skin on his cheeks were tinged with a little bit of red. He ran towards the Hufflepuff table and sat at the end, away from everyone else. He put his head on the table, trying to block out everything that was happening. They carried on with the sorting. Crocodile heard the loudest round of applause erupt for some kid named Harry something. He instantly disliked the kid.

Swordfish felt so sorry for his best friend, but he also felt sorry for himself. He knew that he was going to get the exact same response as Crocodile did. It came to his time, and he sauntered up to the stool and tried to block out everything the tattered hat was saying. All he heard was,  
"Hufflepuff!" Thanking Ivan, the first ever Animalusheadius, that he was in the same house as his friend, he plonked himself down next to Crocodile.

"Come on Croc, cheer up! It might never happen!"

"What might never happen?" asked the melancholy youngster.

"I don't know. What a stupid expression!" They both sighed. This was not a good start. Definitely not good...


	3. Meg Pancho

**DISCLAIMER: **We do not own Harry Potterin any way shape or form.

**NOTES: **This is the third chapter, by DevilShoes. Basically, this chapter introduces the key characters and has their very first lesson at Hogwarts in it too. Hopefully, we'll soon get into the almost exciting bit! Sorry this chap is a bit late but it's quite long, so ENJOY!!

* * *

Chapter 3: Meg Pancho

The evening hadn't got much better from there. Crocodile and Swordfish were sat furthest away from anyone and the others in their house treated them as if they had smallpox and were likely to wipe them all out with one simple sneeze and when shown to their dormitory, Crocodile and Swordfish found they had been given one all to themselves due to 'complaints' from members of the Hufflepuff house.

At the time, the two were both relieved, they were fed up of the stairs and whispers that came from those around them, but after a while they realised that people in their own house, their supposed _'friends'_ were so afraid of them that they were going to extraordinary lengths to avoid them. It was gonna be one long, lonely year.

'What kind of food do you think they'll serve?' Crocodile said excitedly as he and Swordfish walked down towards the great hall. They had hardly managed to eat a thing last night and their feeling of anxiousness at having to see every one in Hogwarts in one place had been overshadowed by their hunger.

'I dunno,' Swordfish said glumly, Hogwarts was definitely _not_ living up to his expectations.

'I'm just in the mood for bacon and eggs,' Crocodile continued, apparently not noticing the sadness in his friends voice, 'Do you think they'll serve bacon and eggs, Swordfish?'

'I dunno,' he repeated.

'Are you feeling OK?' Crocodile asked as they walked into the grand Great Hall.

'Oh yea, just dandy,' He began sarcastically, 'I'm in a place where I'm one of the only two people of my kind ever to be allowed in and we don't know why, where we're in a house that no one else wants us to be in and everyone is afraid of us and doesn't talk to us.' Crocodile fell silent.

'So, yes, I'm OK,' he finished and he too fell silent.

Crocodile then noticed all the food around them and began piling his plate full. Swordfish chuckled and began doing the same. As they did so, they noticed a lot of giggling coming from a group of girls who sat down the table from them. They were looking at them and some were pointing. Crocodile and Swordfish tried to sink into the scenery, which was pretty hard if you were the only one in sight with a crocodile or swordfish's head sitting atop your shoulders. One seemed more reluctant to join in and eventually changed the subject.

Swordfish never got used to that. It had happened many times before yet it never stopped him feeling so low, so _inhuman_.

The two continued to eat in silence.

'So, what do we have first?' Swordfish asked, breaking the silence. Crocodile delved into his pocket and brought out his timetable.

'Um, Herbology. That sounds like fun, doesn't it?' He said with a lot of enthusiasm.

'Yea,' Swordfish agreed, smiling. 'What is it?'

'God knows!' Two pair burst out laughing and Swordfish decided to lighten his mood. After all, it couldn't get much worse could it?

Crocodile and Swordfish strolled across the beautiful expansive lawns of Hogwarts towards the greenhouses. It appeared they had Herbology with another house, but neither of the two could identify which house it was. Whichever house it was, the giggling girls of their own house were present and they whispered as they passed the two Animalusheadius'. Crocodile and Swordfish looked down and fell silent, both aware of what the other was feeling but not wanting to talk about it.

* * *

Five minutes later, they found they had Herbology lessons with Gryffindor and they found they weren't the only ones the subject of unwanted attention. A small boy with messy black hair and large round glasses was receiving a large amount of whispering and not - so - subtle gesturing. He also seemed to have a scar on his forehead or something. _Maybe he's a wizarding celebrity_, Crocodile mused to himself.

After the Professor,their head of house, Professor Sprout, had said a little something about what the subject of Herbology entailed, they were split up into pairs and given the relatively simple task or identifying some common magical plants. Professor Sprout walked around the class, randomly selecting student to be paired with one another. Instinctively, Crocodile and Swordfish inched closer to one another to show that they wanted to be paired together, but Professor Sprout either didn't notice or chose to ignore the sign as Crocodile was paired with a Hufflepuff boy Swordfish didn't know and Swordfish was paired with one of the giggling girls.

Swordfish reluctantly walked over to his partner, all the while, looking at the ground. He imagined this was going to be painful and thought the best way to deal with it would just to keep telling himself it would be over soon.

'Hi, I'm Meg,' said Meg.

'Hi,' Swordfish said gloomily, finally looking up to see the reluctant girl from breakfast this morning.

'So, I think the Professor said that we could do a couple of easy spells on the plants to see how they react differently,' Meg said, turning and looking at the four identical looking plants on the bench before them. Swordfish was slightly confused. She wasn't frightened, nor repulsed, nor rude, she was just... nice.

'Are you OK?' Meg asked her silent partner, whose face was portraying his confusion very well.

'Yea, sure, I'm fine,' he said, caught off guard.

'Good. Now, I think this one might just be a Jenevius,' She said picking up the end plant from the bench, 'Because of the thick stem, you see it?' She showed Swordfish the difference, who was, to his surprise, actually rather interested.

'Ok, but what about this one?' He said picking up the plant sitting on the other end of the line. 'This one has a thick stem, too.'

As Swordfish and Meg Pancho worked happily side by side, Crocodile was also enjoying himself, working with Aiden Fitzwilliam, an Irish Hufflepuff boy.

'Ok, so we just need to identify this last one...' Aiden announced, picking up the last plant on the bench in front of the two boys. 'I think an Aquatacious Charm should do it.'

'What's that do?' Crocodile asked curiously.

'Well, if the plant turns blue, its from the Havria family and if it doesn't react at all, its from one of the other families of plants.'

'Oh, well I guess there's only, like, what? 12 families?' Crocodile suggested, not actually have a clue.

Aiden chuckled, 'Try 12,000. They say a new one is discovered every week.'

'Wow,' Crocodile breathed, genuinely impressed. 'How do you know all this stuff?'

'Well my mum's always been into plants and my grandfather used to be the Herbology teacher here, so I guess it kinda runs in the family.' Crocodile nodded, in awe. 'But my sister isn't really into Herbology and plants and stuff.'

'Oh right, does she come to Hogwarts?' Crocodile asked, liking his partner more and more.

'Oh yeah, we're twins, she's stood over there,' Aiden said, pointing her out. '_Aquatius!' _Aiden yelled, pointing his wand at the plant, which slowly turned a deep blue. Aiden beamed, obviously impressed by his own initiative.

'Right class!' Professor Sprout said, getting the attention of every in the large greenhouse. 'Now did anyone manage to identify all four plants?'

Aiden slowly raised his hand and seemed to be the only one doing so. Crocodile could see the girl Aiden has identified as his sister roll her eyes. Crocodile chuckled.

A couple of minutes later, and their double period of Herbology was over, as were their lessons for the morning, leaving them free to enjoy the picturesque views of Hogwarts lawns. Crocodile had been officially introduced to Aiden's sister, Alana, who also ignored the fact Crocodile was an Animalusheadius' and they chatted casually.

'Alana's a pretty unusual name, isn't it?'

'It means peaceful and Aiden means fiery,' Alana explained,' Our parents were big with the meanings,' She added, chuckling.

As Swordfish walked over, Crocodile happily introduced the three.

'I was working with Meg Pancho, you know one of the giggling girls?' Swordfish explained.

'Oh, I'm sorry,' Crocodile said.

'No, no, she's really nice, seriously.' Swordfish explained enthusiastically. Crocodile look unconvinced. 'Come on, I'll introduce you,' Swordfish said, practically dragging Crocodile over to where Meg and her friends stood.

The group of girls suddenly feel silent as the two approached, many with looks of disgust. Swordfish hadn't seemed to notice and said cheerily, 'Meg, this is Crocodile, Crocodile, this is Meg.'

'Pleased to meet you,' crocodile said nervously, aware of all the eyes on him.

The blonde girl stood closest to Meg, then turned to her and said, 'Don't tell me you actually _talked _to that freak did you?' Now all the girls were looking disgusting and if Swordfish could flush, he would be a shade of brilliant red now.

Meg simply laughed and said, 'No! Come on, I need to send an owl to my dad.' And the tribe of snooty girls left Crocodile and Swordfish standing alone. Swordfish was dumbstruck. 'What the hell?' He asked in disbelief.

Crocodile, patted Swordfish on the back, and leading him back to where Aiden and Alana still stood, said 'I'm sorry Swordfish but bitches are a whole other species.'

* * *

That evening, Crocodile, Swordfish, Aiden and Alana were sat around the fireplace in the Hufflepuff common room, playing a game of exploding snap. They had just escaped the confines of Professor Snape's dungeon where, to his surprise, Crocodile had excelled. Aiden and Alana had been with Crocodile and Swordfish all day. The two were born from a wizarding family and so could happily answer any questions Crocodile and Swordfish had. The four had become good friends in a short space of time, but Swordfish was still confused by Meg's actions after Herbology.

'Swordfish, forget about it, she's just a horrible person, that's all,' Aiden said as the two started another game of exploding snap.

'But she was so nice to me when we were working.'

'Look, just coz she's a nice person to you doesn't mean she's nice all the time. Her friends obviously have something against you and Meg's too afraid of loosing them to actually wake up and realise that her friends are horrible people too.'

Swordfish fell silent.

'So, what lessons do we have tomorrow?' Alana asked, changing the subject.

'Umm, let's see,' Crocodile said as he pulled out his timetable from his robes. 'Defence Against The Dark Arts, Care of Magical Creatures, Potions, and double Transfiguration.'

'What's Defence Against The Dark Arts?' Swordfish asked, taking his concentration away from the game of snap.

'Oh, its just a lesson where they teach you tricks to defend yourself against evil wizards.' Aiden said breezily.

Crocodile and Swordfish shared a look and a huge smile. _Just wait until the Enchanted Hob Nob here about this! _Crocodile thought excitedly.


End file.
